Love or Lust? Pick your poison..

Love and lust, which is the lesser of two evils? Being loved with always having the fear that they will walk out the door, but having everyday of your life filled with happiness and joy? Or is it lust, having the feeling of being wanted and having the peace of mind because you already know that they are going to walk out the door, but knowing however that the happiness is fleeting.

Lust is easy for me, love is hard..... Lust is exciting but love is scary. I usually venture out to where the fear lies. I’ll go hunt what goes bump in the night. I will sit there in the dark and wait for something unexplainable to happen. I will go on the scariest roller coaster rides out there, to feel the fear beat through my veins. To scream so hard that my voice is coarse.

Love though, L O V E. That’s the scariest thing out there, scariest thing I have ever felt. Once you let love in, and once you give it out, god that is fear, for me at least. When I love someone, I love them with all my heart, being, fiber and soul of me. I literally surrender myself to that person. I jump out with arms outstretched praying that I am caught. Praying that those arms will hold me, embrace me and protect me.

Lust, L U S T however, this is easy. It doesn’t involve your heart. It is all pleasure. Nothing expected from you. The only things that fall are the clothes to the floor. Nothing expected but a good time and a happy ending. Your heart only beats faster from anticipation of the next movement.


I have fallen in love, I have felt lust. I have been loved and I have been lusted after. I want to fall in love again. I want someone to fall in love with me again. I want to feel lust from the one that I love. I want to have no makeup on and be loved for just being me. I want to be lusted by the one I love because he loves me for me.

But how do I let go of this fear? Is it like the roller coaster ride? Do I just surrender control? Do I just pray that the harness that is holding me in is strong enough for what is to come? Do I scream all the way down or do I just close my eyes and fall and enjoy the ride?

My Life's "Really??..lol" Moment of the Day

So it never goes to fail there is always a “Really” moment at work. So my girl Jasmine, who sits behind, turns around and starts this lovely convo about one of the techs named Hong that we work with…

Jasmine: “Tiff is Hong Chinese or Japanese”

Me: “he is Korean”

Jasmine: “so is that Chinese or Japanese?”

With this question all I can do is tilt my head slightly to one side, look straight ahead at the wall and take a breath, after I have taken a breath...

Me: “he is Koreeeeeeaaaan”, chuckling at the girl.

Jasmine: “well I ask because my one friend told me that the way to tell the difference between a Chinese person and a Japanese person is that Chinese people speak their words choppy, like bong chong bong. Japanese people sing their words like booooong choooong booooong. Hong sings his words so does that mean he is Chinese or Japanese?”

At this point I am dying with laughter.


Me in between my burst of laughter “he is from Kooooreeeeeea. South Korea. I know this because one day I asked him where he was from and his answer was “I am from south Korea, not north Korea. You can be my friend”. Ha ha ha”

Jasmine: “so he is not Chinese or Japanese?”

Never a dull moment at work... Ha ha ha

Fickle Me or Frightened Me?

Isn't it usually that we are screwed for our future relationships by exes that have screwed us in the past?

I think I may have proven this false. Thanks to me falling in love with my best friend, all the men that go before me seem to be doomed. In all of my previous relationships I have been the one to do the fixing, to show them that there are good women out there, lifting them up, only get screwed in the end. Well here is the first guy to show me that there are good guys out there. Holding my hand, taking me out and showing me that there are guys out there that can treat a girl right. Being everything that I have ever wanted. Yes he has his faults but who doesn't. I know I sure do. I fell so hard and deep and I am scared that I cannot get out. I am worried that I am destined to be alone. That every man that comes before me is set up for instant failure. If they say the wrong thing, you’re out. If you act a certain way you are out. If you can’t be him you, are out. In our almost three years of friendship he was always the one saying that he isn't going to be in a relationship, then what happens he freaking falls for a girl.... AND IT SUUUURE AS HELL WASN'T ME. So here I am in love with a man that doesn't love me. I am trying to get out there and meet guys and all they want is sex. I am not a freaking slut. I don't open spread eagle for just anyone guys. aaaahh... I feel like this is more of a rant than anything and it is making no sense. So what was the straw that broke the camel’s back....

I started talking to this guy yesterday that I met online (was that my first mistake?). He was the first guy I met online that actually made me laugh, we hit it off. Well today I mentioned that since he has gotten to see my pictures that he should email me some of him. His response,
“The only ones I have are racy".
“Well that just won’t do, lol" I answer back
":-(", his texts back.
"What is that face for?" I ask.
“Because I wanted racy pictures of you"
All I could answer back was “I may be outgoing but I am not that outgoing"

ARE YOU SERIOUS? It just gets so freaking frustrating. I just want love, someone to love me. The greatest gift someone can give someone else is love, and that is all I want. I don't need fancy wrapping or bows, I just want that raw no holds bar, love me for me love. Just put it in your hand, outstretch it to me and say it not much, but it’s all I have. That’s all I want.

I am sick of guys not knowing how to treat a woman. Why did my bestie have to raise the bar so damn high? Is there anyone out there that can grab this bar, take it in his hand and ask "is this all you have? This isn't shit".

Am I being to fickle. Am I failing these guys without even giving them a shot on purpose? Am I thinking that if I stay single, if it fails between him and his new girlfriend that he will come to me? GOD AM I THAT STUPID!! If he didn't want me when he could have had me, what makes me think that he will want me later on down the road.

Some girls have all the damn luck. Maybe that's why I am still single and haven't won the lottery yet. Cause I don't have any luck.

I am not really used to talking about myself and trying to fix myself. I am used to talking to others and trying to help others. Even while i am trying to type this out i am speechless and trust me that is not my normal self. so i thought i would get who i am out there in the easiest way that i know how, my poetry. so here is one that best describe me and how i see myself.

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have you ever seen the movie 'Poetic Justice'? Well if not, there is this one scene where Justice is looking in the mirror and she starts playing with her hair and for a few moments in time she thinks she is the most beautiful person in the world.

however after a few minutes of those thoughts she comes back own from the clouds and she begins to slowly see the real justice, the person who is scared, insecure and afraid of falling in love again. Then she begins to cry, just like me she starts to cry, because that person that she saw in the mirror for just a few minutes was not her.

now all justice was, was a character in a movie but however i am a person in real life that doesn't have to follow a script. i have to look in the mirror and see the most beautiful person in the world and only wish that i could stay like that. in reality though i know i am just staring at this person for just a few minutes, hoping, that one day i can see that person for more than just a few minutes so that someone can see be beautiful for the rest of my life.


*****